Deadlock Drabbles
by ss9
Summary: Series of Deadlock Universe inspired drabbles: 1) Just a picnic: fun Twissy, time tot and Osgood romp post Blue Christmas


It was a lazy Sunday morning, spring sunlight was streaming in through the kitchen blinds as Tess stood in her girlfriends kitchen and studied the handwritten scribbles that were Osgood's instructions for how to use her new cooker. The first time Pet had mentioned the instructions Tess had scoffed, it was a cooker how hard could it be to use? Yet when she had seen it for the first time her disbelief had vanished. Tess could only imagine this was some new prototype UNIT had been experimenting with because she had never come across a cooker you could buy that could be programmed to make a Sunday roast in ten minutes or that guaranteed perfect soufflés every time.

Eggs…Tess only wanted to scramble some eggs and it was ridiculous she had to read through a ten page instruction manual to accomplish that.

She had just gotten them nicely cooking on the stove and turned back intent on retrieving the milk from the fridge when….

It was like the sound a half blocked hoover would make and then the spring sunlight was blocked out as walls formed around her and silent scream was trapped in her throat.

"You missed again dear." A woman's with a broad Scottish accent broke the silence.

"I did not!" A man's voice replied huffing in genuine outrage. "Look the scanner confirms it 2018."

"Yet it looks like the sixties to me dear perhaps this decrepit antique is playing up again?"

"Don't listen to her Sexy." The man muttered and Tess turned around to find him glaring at his companion whilst stroking the controls of what could only look to Tess like a spaceship. "Don't insult the Tardis Missy not unless you want her to hide all your shoes as well as those little death rays you keep on building…"

"I knew it." Missy muttered before her attention back to their unexpected guest, her expression lightening to one of recognition. "Oh perhaps we are in the right place its Skip's little bit of fluff…sorry deary but from what little you've got on I assumed Idiot here had mistyped…" Missy paused her eyes raking up and down the human's frame and the very short clubbing dress that Tess had simply pulled back on.

Frowning the old gentleman forced a polite smile on as he turned back to the unexpected human they had materialised around. "Sorry about Missy she tends to say what she likes and people accuse me of having no filter." He added his pleasant smile slipping as he glared at his female companion once more. "You shouldn't say things like that in front of the twins."

"Oh please they aren't listening, like I would want them polluting their ears with such a primitive language." Missy tutted her smile a little too bright as she stepped down the gangway and as she got closer Tess finally recognised her.

"Wait you're…and that means he…and you're both…"

"Oh dear Doctor I think we broke her." Missy trilled skipping down the last few steps and pushing past a still stuttering Tess, "s'cuse me deary…"

Still in shock Tess let her go her wide eyes still roaming around the huge…space ship…dear god this had landed in Osgood's flat, it had probably destroyed half of it. Backing out of the door Missy had left open Tess could only marvel as from the outside…from the outside it was just a blue box…a police box.

"Just say it." A resigned voice echoed out from inside the spaceship/box.

"It's smaller on the outside." Tess spluttered. "And big…"

"Yes it is. " Following Tess out the Scottish gentleman now had two children with him…oh right the twins…wait what…Tess was certain these were the same children she had seen just before Christmas. Then they had been infants now they were walking all on their own and unless they had had a major unexplained growth spurt appeared to be around 3 years old.

A sudden scream cut off any such thoughts and Tess rushed towards the noise not caring about the danger. That was her girlfriend.

Barging into the bathroom from where the scream had originated Tess's gaze went straight to Osgood who was throwing all available bottles of shampoo or body lotion at a howling Missy who was somehow able to dodge every projectile. "What's the matter pet it's just a little cold water?"

"OH DEAR…" The silver haired man began as his gaze fell on his manically laughing partner and the wet naked Osgood quickly covering his eyes with his hands as he staggered back out of the bathroom.

"What the fuck is wrong with you lady?" Tess demanded grabbing the nearest towel and pressing it into her girlfriend's hands. The towel was quickly drenched by the freezing shower spray that was still running but it was better than standing there bollock naked.

"oOOooh feisty. Yes she'll do." Missy placed her hands on her hips and waggled her eyebrows suggestively at Tess.

"Missy stop it." Osgood finally spoke, managing to turn off the freezing shower with one hand as she pushed her wet hair out of her face. Even without her glasses she could just about make out the purple blog that was The Mistress. And who else would barge in on her in the shower and think it funny to sonic the controls to freezing cold?

"Poor Skip you're just a soggy little sack of water aren't you." Missy teased her, a pout pulling at her red painted lips as she twirled The Doctor's sonic screwdriver around her fingers, she still maintained that laser was better but sonic would do for simple pranks.

"Honestly I don't know what's got you in such a flap dear its nothing I haven't seen before now is it." She added winking suggestively at Tess who responded typically as all little humans did by turning such a pretty shade of red. "Oh dear didn't Skip tell you about us?"

"Missy please just stop." Osgood pleaded with the Time Lady as she groped for the wall to ease herself out of the shower. To Tess she added. "She just likes getting a rise out of people, don't react and she'll soon get bored."

"Oh poo ruin all my fun why don't you." Missy huffed striding towards the door but not before she left a ringing slap on Osgood's bare behind for good measure. "Do been a good Skip and get dressed won't you, Mummy wants to take you out."

Waiting until the crazy Scottish woman finally left them alone Tess retrieved Osgood's specs for her, sliding them on and tucking wet strands of hair behind her ears. "Are you ok? When I heard you scream…"

"I'm fine thanks. Just Missy's idea of what's funny doesn't exactly match anyone else's." Osgood muttered forcing a smile as her girlfriend looked on expectantly. "Sorry…I guess I probably should have mentioned it before…"

"What that you have friends who are crazy aliens? They are just friends right, she wasn't being literal…"

"Oh no she's not my…" Osgood's nose curled in disgust, Missy was a doting mother but the very idea of her having her as her mother, although considering the mother Osgood did have… "Well I suppose I'd better just do as she says." Osgood certainly didn't want Missy getting ideas about coming and helping her pick and outfit, one dose of exposure was enough for today.

Tess huffed crossing her arms over her chest shifting uncomfortably in her outfit from the night before. "Can I borrow some clothes?"

"Sure." Osgood smiled her fingers curling around her girlfriend's elbow as a childish idea took hold. "I have just the thing for you."

-/-

"That's my T-Shirt." Missy huffed the moment Osgood and Tess reappeared from the bedroom, her blue eyes locking on a certain Bowie T-Shirt that Tess was tucking into a pair of baggy jeans.

"I think you will find it is mine." Osgood replied smugly her brown eyes raking warmly over her girlfriend who looked gorgeous in anything. "Besides you only have yourself to blame Missy if you had bothered to call ahead then Tess wouldn't need to raid my wardrobe at all."

"Ha!" The Doctor barked in laughter his amusement at Missy's sour mood evident as he rocked back on his heels.

"Oh shut up idiot." Missy snapped back throwing the Doctor's screwdriver back at him for good measure. "Nobody cares what you think considering you insist on dressing like a tramp."

"Ha don't listen to little miss grump over there." The Doctor batted back as he tucked his sonic back into the pocket of his black hoody and leant against the kitchen wall, his long tartan clad legs practically a trip hazard. "Just because she can't pull off casual."

"I can too I just prefer to instil a sense of pride in ones appearance in our children, goodness knows I have a bad enough example to counteract."

"I'm the bad influence!" The Doctor exclaimed, silver attack eyebrows shooting for his hairline.

"Stop it both of you!" Osgood snapped glaring between the two bickering time lords. Her eyes widening as she scanned the immediate area and there appeared to be no hide nor hair of... "Just where are the twins?"

"Oh for pity's sake you had one job!" Missy hissed stalking forward and prodding the Doctor in his holey jumper.

"Keep your knickers on mother." The Doctor tutted brushing her hand away, yet for a moment his fingers lingered against The Mistress's. "They're just in the living room I put the telly on they're fine..." He added glancing back over his shoulder…"Oh well…"

"What?" Missy demanded pushing past him, and a worried Osgood and Tess followed only to practically stop dead inside the doorway.

"What the hell did they do?" Osgood demanded.

By contrast a delighted Missy was rushing forward and cooing over her children in obvious delight, ignoring the destruction of private property that was of course immaterial to her and instead focusing on her brilliant babies.

"Doctor look what they did…Oh my clever little angels…"

The Doctor quickly joined them crouching down and lifting the construction that was barely started and yet bore all the hallmarks of…

"I told you they got their brains from me." Missy carried on obvious to the building Oncoming Storm.

"Missy why would our children be trying to make one of your little devices?"

"Well they've clearly been paying attention darling you might try it." Missy retorted pulling the twins into her lap, they still just about fit together but soon they would have start taking turns. "Aren't you just too clever Mummy is so proud of you." She added covering them in kisses.

"Missy!" The Doctor snapped. "I thought we had agreed no weapons around the children."

"Oh please it's not just a weapon you think so 4dimensionally dear so much time around humans has rotted your brain…Besides it's not my fault the Tardis refuses to show the teletubbies anymore now is it! I had to do something they were upset."

"That programme is a menace!" The Doctor snapped before remembering they had an audience. "We'll discuss this later…" He growled pocketing the twin's creation and turning back to Osgood. "We'll replace it I promise."

"Sure right." Osgood nodded, it wasn't like she watched much telly anyway. "So Missy mentioned something about an outing?"

"Yes…" The Doctor replied his gaze dropping to meet the Time Lady in question, and Osgood stood for a good few moments waiting for him to continue, and waiting…

"Doctor!" Osgood prompted him causing the intense gazing between the pair to finally stop.

"Yes right sorry…Nothing too fancy…Picnic…Alien planet…bring the girlfriend…what can go wrong?" The Doctor answered clapping his hands together and shooing them towards the waiting Tardis.

Gripping Osgood's hand tightly Tess caught her girlfriends gaze not really reassured when Osgood's answering smile seemed a little tense and forced…sure it was just an alien planet what possibly could go wrong?

-/-

"Well this nice…" Osgood muttered. And it was surprisingly.

The planet had a rose pink sky that bathed the red grassy plain in a warm glow, there was no bird song in the air but there were the occasional popping noises that The Doctor assured them was from this planets equivalent of the grasshopper, if grasshoppers were orange and about a foot long… Still at least they were vegetarians, Osgood wasn't sure Tess could handle being chased by a horde of marauding carnivorous grasshoppers…well not on her first trip.

It did help going on a picnic with a species who could fold space, although Skip did have to bite her tongue when Tess made an innocent comment about Mary Poppins's bag in front of Missy who was clearly making an effort. The Time Lady barely glared as she poured out the tea yet Osgood did note that Tess received hers in mug with an Orangutan on the front.

Clearly despite becoming a mother Missy's particular sense of humour was still very much intact.

"Hmmm it's alright I suppose." Missy commented from her reclined position on the picnic blanket, the twins using their mother as a cross between a cushion and a climbing frame. "A little dull…"

"Just because it doesn't have any flying fire-breathers…" The Doctor muttered shaking his head as Missy stuck her tongue out at him.

"Please the twins loved it."

"The twins still haven't developed a heathy appreciation for danger. Besides it was my turn to pick the planet and this is far more appropriate…"

"And boring." Missy huffed back, yet it seemed the relaxing atmosphere was even affecting The Mistress as her reply was decidedly lacking in her usual bite, her expression soft as she ran her hands through the soft red grass.

"Oh put a cake in it grumpy." The Doctor bit back, literally shoving a slice of cake in The Mistress's direction, which despite the vivid blue icing and green coloured sponge was actually pretty good even if it did leave stains on your fingers.

"Can't got my hands full." Missy tutted as she saved Sam from his sister…Mae was such a little terror, Missy was so very proud. "You could offer to help you know."

"Then hold still!" The Doctor commanded his blue eyes twinkling impishly as he broke off a piece and fed it to her like she was a baby bird, his eyebrows shooting up as Missy naughtily licked his fingers clean.

"Awwww." Tess cooed snuggling into Osgood's side as they watched the alien family and in particular the two adults who seemed lost in each other's gazes once again. "Do you think we'll ever be like that?"

Startled by the question and the dubious comparison Osgood couldn't help her retort. "God I hope not."

Wincing as Tess punched her side lightly Osgood smiled down at her slouching girlfriend. "Sorry just well if you knew the backstory…"

"Is it sad?" Tess asked knowingly, her hazel eyes filled with compassion for these two virtual strangers and Osgood felt her own heart swell in response…how had she gotten so lucky to meet Tess?

"You know we can hear you." Missy suddenly commented ruining the mood entirely when clearly fed up of being a jungle gym for time tots she dumped one child on Tess and the other on Osgood's lap.

"Right I am going to stretch my legs." Missy declared standing up and popping out her back. "Don't let them eat anymore cake, and at the first sign of anyone not me or The Doctor you get them back in the Tardis! Don't wait to ask stupid questions you run, got it?"

"Wait Missy what?" Osgood spluttered watching in horror as the Time Lady grinned manically before running off into the long grass.

"Weeeeeee catch me if you can Thete!"

The Doctor at least paused long enough to shoot Osgood a bashful apologetic smile before he was getting to his feet and chasing after her.

"Those…irresponsible…"

"We just got stuck babysitting didn't we?" Tess commented knowingly yet there was little real anger in her voice. If they were going to be dumped with the kids there were far worse places to be than a gorgeous planet complete with a picnic that looked like it had come from the set of Downton Abbey…even if for some reason Osgood wouldn't explain she wasn't to be trusted with one of the pretty porcelain cups when the toddlers were.

Huffing Osgood looked down at the child in her lap, her annoyance turning to a prickly sensation of fear as Mae stared up at her with the same bright blue eyes as her mother…and the same dangerous look in her eyes just before Missy did…

The handful of blue and green cake slid down Osgood's face in what felt like slow motion.

Holding herself taut Osgood heard the raucous children's laughter and then the sound of laughter smothered behind a hand. "Traitor."

"Sorry." Tess chuckled apologetically handing her girlfriend a napkin.

Removing her glasses Osgood did her best to wipe her face clean before tackling the mess Mae had made of her glasses. Squinting through the remaining slightly blue smeared lenses at first Osgood thought it was a lingering smudge…but then it blinked.

"Tess." Osgood whispered reaching out and gripping her girlfriends arm tightly. "We're being watched…on three get the twins and get ready to run ok? I'm going to make a lot noise and try and scare it off."

"Ok…"

"One" Osgood could hear the fear in Tess's voice but her girlfriend did as she asked accepting Mae whilst Osgood got to her feet and reached for the teapot which as per Missy's special insulation had kept the water at just below boiling point… "Two."

Tess stood up balancing both squirming children in her arms.

"Three!" Osgood called out throwing the contents of the hot teapot in the direction of their silent observer, hearing their cry of pain as she raised her voice and screamed as loud as she could.

"MISSY!"

-/-

"Oh for Omega's sake what now?" The Doctor groaned as his second attempt to divest The Mistress of her corset was thwarted yet again.

After catching his prize The Doctor honestly hadn't expected it to be this difficult. After all Missy had started this game…and fine he might have deliberately chosen this planet because of its similarities to the Gallifrey of their youth and the idea of rolling around with his mate in the long red grasses had a certain appeal. Missy hadn't seemed to object, she ran after all a sure sign she wanted him to catch her.

It couldn't be that the grass was itchy; he had already given her his coat to lay on. Nor that he hadn't paid enough attention to getting her interested. Firstly The Doctor had chased her for a good five minutes before finally pouncing and dragging them both down into the long grasses and by now Missy's neck was decidedly pink from his attentions; which was more than could be said for his own poor neglected appendage. Would it kill her to make some sort of effort?

"Didn't you hear that?" Missy demanded even as The Doctor's mouth returned to her exposed neck and bit down hard.

"All I hear is you playing hard to get." The Doctor groused as the likelihood of them finally getting on with this seemed to vanish as Missy pushed his hands away and stood up so she could hear better.

"I could have sworn I heard my name…"

"You've gotten paranoid in your old age." He huffed getting to his feet and grabbing his discarded jacket roughly pulling it on.

He knew the signs by now, it happened far too frequently for his tastes and The Doctor knew better than to keep trying his luck in the Tardis any longer. If it wasn't the twins telepathic babbling ruining the mood, it was his jealous Tardis creating turbulence just to be difficult…ok so perhaps the central console had been a poor choice but Missy had been wearing that perfume he bought her on Ceti-Alpha.

"Better than being a reckless fool." Missy spat back naturally, as despite the slight change in their relationship from sort of enemies to sort of partners/lovers, when the twins or disasters didn't interfere/co-parents Missy wasn't about to give up on putting her Doctor in his place. "And you are one to talk old man."

"Yes I am…"

"Look there is no need to overreact Doctor I'll just quickly check on the twins…"

"Oh for goodness sakes woman the moment you let those barriers back down there will be no shutting them out again you know Mae." The Doctor snapped turning and storming back in the direction of the Tardis. "You know if you've changed your mind you could just say so instead of making stuff up."

"Oh right storm off in a huff just because I'm the more conscientious parent." Missy tutted gathering up the clothing The Doctor had managed to remove, tugging on her boots as she hobbled after him. "And don't talk to me like I'm one of your humans…honestly calling me a woman could you get more degrading, that's Time Lady to you Doctor."

Growling curses in multiple languages under his breath The Doctor marched through the long grass smacking it out of his way. With The Doctor's long strides setting the pace he was surprised when Missy pushed past him, picking up her skirts and running.

"What is it?" The Doctor demanded his irritation melting into concern as instead of merely skipping through the grass like she had earlier Missy was sprinting.

Yet Missy didn't even pause long enough to answer him.

Even with a respiratory bypass The Doctor was panting by the time Missy finally stopped his eyes widening as he caught sight of the trampled mess that had once been their picnic site.

"It'll be fine they'll be in the Tardis…" The Doctor tried to reassure her as there was definite trampling of the long grass between the picnic spot and the spot where they had left the Tardis…unfortunately there was an equally trampled spot leading away as well.

Taking Missy by the elbow they approached the Tardis ever mindful that their quiet paradise was not as unoccupied as they previously suspected. The door was locked.

"Oh thank you…thank you…" The Doctor sighed in relief turning back to Missy who had finally regained some colour in the cheeks. "See they got back nothing to worry about." He reassured her retrieving a key from his pocket and slipping it into the lock which turned under his urging.

The moment the two time lords stepped over the threshold they had to duck a club wielding Tess who looked two steps away from a nervous breakdown. "Sorry I thought you might be…"

"Honestly like anyone else would have a key!" The Doctor snapped glaring at the human as Missy was mobbed by two babbling little darlings who proceeded to cling to her like limpets.

Two of them…oh thank goodness…The Doctor ran his hands over both his children, ruffling Mae dark locks and Sam's wayward curls.

"Nobody's hurt." He insisted more for Missy's benefit than his own although The Doctor would confess to having both hearts in his throat when Missy had looked so terrified.

"Osgood." Tess finally managed to mutter, the terror of being stuck on an alien planet responsible for two toddlers who didn't speak English and no idea how the hell to get home whilst her girlfriend... "They took her…"

Glancing around the Tardis The Doctor hoped the other human was mistaken but there was no sign of the bespeckled UNIT scientist anywhere.

-/-

When she got out of here Osgood was going to have very strong words with The Doctor about just what his definition of "appropriate" included because in Osgood's opinion a planet whose native inhabitants saw her as an "appropriate" food source was NOT on her list of travel highlights.

Wiggling in her bonds Osgood huffed through her nose as the strong ropes made from the long red grasses bit into her skin. She had tried applying pressure to different points to try and find any give, anything that would enable her to get a hand free, but her captives had done a good job despite only having claws themselves. Of course her actions weren't helped by being strung up upside down hanging from the ceiling of somebody's larder.

A larder in a treehouse on an alien planet…Osgood had to wonder if it was just her that seemed to attract this kind of trouble every time she left earth or did every companion go through the same sort of things?

All the blood had rushed to her head making her woozy and Osgood had long since lost feeling in her legs which had quickly gone to sleep. Even so she fought sleep herself Osgood knew she had to stay alert, had to wait and watch for the one opportunity to make an escape. Rescue would be coming, Osgood knew that at least but that didn't mean she had to wait here like some sort of damsel in distress…

Missy would never let her hear the end of it…poor little human Skip needing the big bad Time lady to come save her skin. Just imaging The Mistress gloating and probably turning it into another one of her annoying little ditties to be sung loudly and repeatedly until her victim wanted to tear their own ears off, well that was motivation enough to keep trying.

"psssssssssst."

Blinking in surprise it took Osgood too long, in her opinion, to realise that the words were for her and were coming from the wall behind her…

"psssssssssst Osgood I know you're in there."

Wiggling her way around Osgood groaned as the movement caused her to swing in a pendulum motion, great the last she needed right now was for her motion sickness to play up. Yet she was able to force down or more precisely force up her nausea to squint and spot…The Doctor had his eye pressed to a knot in the wooden wall that enabled him to peer into the room.

"Oh good you're not dead." He exclaimed and Osgood could just tell that those bloody eyebrows of his were probably wiggling about in excitement.

"How did you find me?"

"Oh at first I just followed the trampled grass." The Doctor replied rather too flippantly for Osgood's taste "and then I used the signal from Missy's tracker…"

"You mean the nuclear bolt she inserted behind my ear." Osgood corrected him with a sigh, it wasn't like she was happy about it but at least occasionally it did prove useful for something other than setting off airport security.

"THE WHAT?" The Doctor exclaimed far too loudly. Clearly Missy hadn't revealed that little titbit to her lover and Osgood winced a little at the thought of the ear-bashing the Time lady was probably going to get as a result…something along the lines of not turning your companions into walking bombs…

"Shush!" Osgood chastised him. "Honestly Doctor you would make a rubbish spy."

"Look just hold still I'll just sonic…" The Doctor muttered sticking his screwdriver through the little hole and pointing it at Osgood… "and then you can get yourself free whilst I make a distraction and then we make a run for it ok plan…"

Only as Osgood hung there the sonic didn't seem to be doing anything, she was still as trapped as she had been a minute before.

"Doctor I thought the sonic didn't work on wood?" Osgood questioned back knowing she had stumped The Doctor when he seemed to splutter.

"But you have a back-up plan right." Osgood added waiting for The Doctor to reassure her that he did…only she suspected right now that he honestly hadn't put much thought into this at all.

"I…err…I normally just roll with whatever works…"

"Remind me to request Missy from now on." Osgood muttered petulantly under her breath.

"Hey that is not nice." The Doctor huffed and Osgood would have laid money that he was pouting.

Wishing she had a hand free so she could rub her brow, and scratch her nose whilst she was at it, it took Osgood to remember. "Doctor do you still have the disintegrator the twins were building?"

"Yes of….Oh no…no I will not use that thing…"

"So you'll let me be the holiday special." Osgood spat back, "Look I promise not tell alright?" Osgood added knowing it was more than just principle holding the Doctor back; he would have to put up with Missy's unbearable smugness.

Huffing something that distinctly sounded like "not the point" there was sounds of rummaging and sonicing and muttered cursing. Osgood's vision was starting to blur by the time there was a sudden burst of light that was the only notice before her face became all too acquainted with the floor.

"Ow." Osgood groaned, she may now have made it to the floor but her limbs were still bound and sense dead from blood loss and what was that smell….

Turning her head it took a fraction of a second for Osgood to spot the now burning roof, the fire quickly spreading quickly across the dried grasses. "Oh…Oh sh…DOCTOR!" Osgood called out doing her best to wiggle like a deadlegged worm across the uneven floor towards what passed for a door as the room quickly filled with smoke.

"I'm coming I'm coming!" The Doctor replied as he climbed and dragged his way around the treehouse his eyes widening as it seemed he wasn't the only one… "Oh dear..." Well he had wanted a distraction, but the whole point of one was to distract and not attract your adversary.

What seemed like the whole tribe was now advancing on him. "Sorry about the fire…just a little accident…nothing that can't be fixed." The Doctor called out forcing a smile as he grappled for the door and managed to force it open stepping into the small room that was rapidly filling with smoke.

"Doctor…we….have…to get out…" Osgood managed to mutter in between coughs from the thick black smoke was curling about the room and yet she watched in horror as the Doctor found the heaviest things he could and wedged them against the door.

"Not out that way we're not!" The Doctor insisted before turning his attention to the floor…Yes there was one that looked loose.

Ignoring the battering noises from outside The Doctor grimaced as he scrambled with the loose floor boarding, sliding it free only to be confronted with a good thirty five foot drop. He could survive it but humans were more fragile and Missy had already pitched a fit about bringing her pet back in one piece.

Right then rope…

Grasping the nearest and longest coil of rope the Doctor tied one end onto the most robust looking beam before taking hold of Osgood.

"Doctor no…" Osgood began to protest but she was tied up and unable to move.

"You know I've always wanted to try this…" The Doctor remarked enjoying himself far too much for Osgood's liking as he stepped over to makeshift exit… "Now how does Tarzan do it again…"

-/-

She couldn't breathe.

It wasn't the first time Osgood had cursed her asthma but it might be the last.

Running…she just wasn't built for running.

The Doctor was already a good hundred feet in front of her and as hard as she might try Osgood knew she was falling behind. Her lungs were burning and the red grasses seemed to be dancing in front her gaze…perhaps they were…perhaps…god it would be just so nice to rest…

"OSGOOD!" The Doctor's bellow snapped her out of it as did the sight of the long limbed Time Lord rushing back towards, grey curls swooshing and attack eyebrows in full thunderous glare as he actually charged towards back towards the following alien tribe.

"Sorry…can't…" Osgood managed to gasp out as The Doctor reached her and tried to tug and half drag her back to her feet.

"Come on it's just over the hill." The Doctor cajoled her, suddenly rolling them both to the side as the first spear was thrown.

"Go…Sorry…Tess…sorry." Osgood could feel the attack worsening, she could see spots now and she knew that any second she was going to pass out.

"I'm not just going to leave you." The Doctor retorted angrily at the very suggestion. Dragging the sagging Osgood up onto his back into a semblance of a piggy back The Doctor moved as quickly as he could, superior Time Lord strength not withstanding he knew their pursuers were gaining on them…they weren't going to make it to the Tardis before they caught up.

Unless…

Opening his mind The Doctor had never been the best telepath but even he could feel the ties that had formed in his own minds…The parental bonds with the twins glittered in his mindscape, curling up and up and through them The Doctor could sense the lingering tension that the children were probably absorbing from their mother. The bond with his Tardis glowed blue in his mind, it was strong and when he was inside his ship The Doctor was able to pick up and interpret her many moods but he wasn't strong enough to telepathically command her to move…he couldn't but there was one person who was and unless he was particularly unlucky she should still be on board.

Mental fingers reached out and took hold of the glowing purple thread…their connection was still undeveloped for bonded mates, it could have been much stronger but trust was slow to grow after the many centuries of separation and betrayal. Even now the thought of allowing Missy inside his shields elicited memories of pain and destruction.

 _Mistress…Koschei…_

 _Thete where are you?_

Missy's voice came through loud and strong and The Doctor mentally sighed as he could feel the frustration and was that even fear echoing along the connection…the connection that he couldn't sustain without physical contact only able to send one final plea before it dissolved in his hands.

 _Help_

The sudden loss of her in his head caused The Doctor to stumble, his long legs tripping and at least the grass provided a soft landing even if Osgood's added weight meant he was struggling like a turtle on his back unable to move.

Then he could have cried out with relief as a familiar noise filled the air and suddenly instead of red grass his face was pressed against metal grills.

"Looks like I did the real rescuing after all." Missy's smug voice filled the console room yet The Doctor didn't care to chastise her, she could gloat all she wanted at least they weren't dead.

Osgood's dead weight was shifted as Tess rushed over to them and shook her inert girlfriend. "She's not breathing…Doctor she's not breathing."

Moving quickly The Doctor pressed his fingers to Osgood's jugular, there was still a faint pulse but the scientist wasn't breathing.

"Medbay quickly." The Doctor commanded surprised when Missy's skirts appeared in his vision and she put a restraining hand on his shoulder. "Missy what…there is no time…"

"Oh hush pet you're such a dramatist." Missy tutted rolling her blue eyes as they scanned over the righteous Doctor and the distraught Tess; honestly did she have to do everything around here?

The solution was prepared, had been since Missy had first taken the defective little human on board her Tardis she had only held back before because for some reason Skip seemed resistant to accept even the smallest genetic improvement.

"Just hold her still I've been waiting for an opportunity to try this." Missy added airily as she withdrew a large needle from her pockets and before they could protest jammed the tip into Osgood's throat.

"NO!" Tess cried.

"MISSY!" The Doctor screamed at her as Osgood began to convulse. "What have you done?"

"Hush love let it work." Missy tutted as she sat back on the step and took a moment to check her manicure; she was 95% certain her solution would be effective, so what if it hadn't actually been tested? Besides even if it failed the effects would prove an interesting study topic for the twins when they were older. She would miss Skip of course, it was so hard to find a human who was quite so entertaining but to be honest she had enough on her plate with the twins and The Doctor to keep up with.

Then just as violently as she had begun to convulse Osgood's body fell still and Missy held her own breath in anticipation, leaning forward blue eyes wide as she took in her still Pet and Tess's snivelling tears. Well she may be a semi-retired Queen of Evil so she had to get her kicks somewhere other than planetary annihilation, it made The Doctor get all sulky. Then finally Osgood took a breath and then another, slow and even, the colour returning to her cheeks and then finally her eyes opened blinking up at them slowly before squinting.

"What happened?"

"Oh you died." Missy supplied before anyone else could speak and ruin the moment. "I saved you, all glory to me!" She added gleefully getting to her feet and dusting off her hands. "Anyone else feel peckish?"

"Missy…" The Doctor stood up on shaky legs as he eyeballed his preening partner. "What was in that solution?"

"Oh some saline and adrenaline…and a wee pinch of cybermites."

"Cybermites!" Osgood exclaimed in horror turning around and glaring at the blurry shape that was Missy. "You're turning me into a Cyberman!"

"No don't be silly." Missy tutted before turning back to the aghast Doctor, shaking her head as if sharing some great burden. "See humans always overreacting I reprogrammed them obviously."

"To do what?" The Doctor asked unable to hide his suspicion and Missy pouted in mock hurt before her need to gloat reasserted itself.

"To repair humans." Missy preened her grin so wide The Doctor was sure he could see all of her teeth; it was meant to be reassuring but it only made her look too sharklike to be comforting.

"Well come on…" She added after a long moment when the three adults continued to stare at her dumbfounded.

"Honestly." She tutted her pout now more genuine. "I perform a good deed and you all look at me like I'm about to disintegrate you."

Rubbing his hands through his mussed hair The Doctor approached her slowly, resisting the urge to reach out and shake some sense into her mate. "Missy we don't use cybermites on anyone…"

"Oh pish posh like you're one to talk, I have met Lady Me you know." Missy tutted. "You're hardly innocent when it comes to interfering with humans; at least I didn't go making her immortal."

Well there was no answering that and The Doctor felt the burn of embarrassment on his cheeks. "That was one…"

"Handsome Jack." Missy spat back.

"Technically that was Rose…"

"Using your Tardis the little tramp." Missy huffed turning her back on him. "But oh no it's fine when you or one of your little pets do it but when I use a little advanced technology to save my companion suddenly it's bad. Talk about double standards."

"Missy…" The Doctor began cajolingly his hands sliding around her small waist as he leant down and rested his chin on her shoulder. "I admit it was rather brilliant."

Hiding her smile Missy leant back against, soaking up the warmth from his long frame, the only outward sign of her softening. "Go on." She prompted him.

"And your timing with the Tardis couldn't have been better." The Doctor added nuzzling his nose against the thin strip of exposed skin that poked out above her collar. "Even if you did leave the brakes on." He added teasingly expecting the smack on his arm and Missy didn't disappoint.

"If you had passed your Tardis test Doctor then you would know that whilst manoeuvring in an atmosphere it is recommended to leave the brakes on otherwise the Tardis is too sensitive to handle properly?"

Eyebrows shooting up in surprise The Doctor actually turned her around. "Really?"

For a moment Missy kept her face straight before an amused smirk pulled at her lips. "No stupid I just had my hands full, you try piloting a Tardis and dealing with two toddlers who are babbling on about going to help Daddy Idiot."

"Well you did it brilliantly." The Doctor insisted pausing for a moment to gauge if he was about to be smacked for his cheek, when Missy stared up at him expectantly he leant down and brushed a chaste kiss against her painted lips.

"Excuse me!" A sarcastic voice demanded from across the Tardis. "But could someone explain what the hell just happened?"

Muttering something under her breath that sounded vaguely like "humans" Missy reluctantly allowed The Doctor to break their kiss.

"I cured her wasn't that obvious?" Missy drawled sarcastically as she snuggled into her Time Lord and savoured the sound of his double heart beat under her ear.

"Missy when you say cured?" Osgood asked blinking blurrily.

"I mean cured, no more defective little Skip. Now you'll be able to run around to your hearts content."

"Oh…ohhhhhh." Osgood felt her breath catch in her chest and yet it wasn't the same, her breathing felt different, it had never felt like this before. "Right…that is going to take a little getting used to." Osgood added holding her hand out to Tess who helped her to her wobbly feet.

"I don't suppose anyone found my glasses did they?" She added as they made their way unsteadily up the stairs.

"Hun you're wearing your glasses." Tess replied hesitantly glancing back to a smug Missy who merely smirked wider.

"No I can't…" Osgood insisted her hands coming up to her face surprised when they encountered her glasses, slowly lifting them off of her face and the world around her came back into focus. "Oh wow."

Preening under Skip's amazed expression and savouring The Doctor's arms around her Missy took great pleasure in defying expectations, practically purring… "Now can I cook or can I?"

-/-

It was still Sunday morning when Tess and Osgood stepped out of the Tardis, an amazed Osgood staring at the details of her apartment that even with the best prescription glasses she had never noticed before.

The whoosh whoosh of Tardis disappearing from the flat signalled that they were finally alone and Tess slumped down gratefully into the nearest chair. "Well that was…"

"Yeah it's always a bit like that." Osgood finished for her as she watched the play of light casting prisms across the wall.

"But you died." Tess muttered softly, now the adrenaline was wearing off the reality of what had happened was now setting in and it was getting harder to keep the rush of tears at bay.

"Yeah that too." Osgood replied flippantly before the sound of her girlfriend sniffing registered and Osgood rushed over to her. "I'm sorry I didn't mean it like that…"

"That's not normal." Tess insisted as she wiped away her tears. "Don't joke about it like it's nothing."

"I am sorry." Osgood replied wrapping her arms around Tess who thankfully hugged her back. "I promise no more jokes." She added pressing her forehead against Tess's and staring down in her eyes…they were beautiful Osgood had never been able to see all the little differences before, the little splodges of green and brown and the thin line around her iris that was a light blue grey. "You're so beautiful."

Blushing pink at the compliment Tess couldn't help but smile. "Don't think flattery will get you out of everything…"

"As long as it gets you out of those jeans." Osgood quipped blushing herself at her own forwardness, but hey she had died or almost died again it was time to live a little.

Biting down on her lip Tess grabbed Osgood's hands and tugged her out of the sofa and back towards the bedroom.

Laughing as Tess stumbled over her feet in her haste Osgood savoured the building anticipation. However the closer they got to the bedroom the stronger…

"What the hell is that smell?" Tess vocalised it first and the pair rushed into the small kitchen gagging on the strong smell of sulphur and…

"Oh my goodness." Tess muttered as she stared down at the molten pile of fused metal that had once been Osgood's cooker. "I'm so sorry I must have left it on."

Huffing Osgood moved to open the window, unplugging the cooker from the mains before dragging a surprised Tess out of the kitchen and back towards the bedroom. It was just a stupid cooker and besides Osgood was certain she would be able to hack The Doctor's UNIT pay account. A new cooker and a new television could soon be ordered, whereas people or more to the point girlfriends they were far more difficult to find and as such required proper care and attention.

-/-


End file.
